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Hi there.

Welcome to my blog. I document my adventures and thoughts on relationships and wellness. Feel free to leave a comment.

How do I escape my past?

How do I escape my past?

Yosemite National Park - 9/19

Yosemite National Park - 9/19

I’ve been going through some much needed, long overdue changes lately. These changes were sparked by actions of my past. Actions that have left me with shame, guilt, embarrassment, remorse…and many other feelings that I’m not proud of.

There has been an internal battle happening inside of me for a couple years now and I finally feel like real change is happening. The progress feels good and I can see it affecting my every day. I’ve been putting in the work to change, but the people close to me don’t seem to be giving me the chance to see me in a different light.

For example, in my last relationship I cheated on my girlfriend and lied about it - more than once - and she found out. After a massive fight and almost losing her (again) I decided I would work on getting her trust and love back. For about a year I didn’t cheat on her. Even still, she wouldn’t trust me (understandable). She continued to call me a “cheater” and “liar”. Over and over again. At our very lowest, she accused me of cheating on Christmas Day when I was at church with her daughter. I could not escape my past and it ruined a very special day for everyone. And my past ultimately ruined our entire relationship.

Her words and thoughts really wore on me over time. They deflated my effort to be a better person. I felt her words manifesting me cheating again - which I did. I know that sounds like an excuse to act like a pig and be a super weak man but that’s where I was at at the time.

So…why change if no one sees it? If no one gives me the chance to show them I’m different? If people are going to continue treating the new you like the old you - what’s the point? I mean, I’m always going to be a liar, cheater, scumbag, piece of sh*t, devil, etc. etc. in their eyes right?

No.

Just as I am changing, peoples opinions of me can also change. They just take time.

And if no one sees that change, that’s okay too. Because I’m not changing for anyone but me. I’m changing so that I don’t relive my past suffering. I can grow and create a better future for myself and the ones I love. Because we all deserve my best - not the person I once was.

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Lessons learned: There is no escaping our past. We can not change what happened. What done is done. It’s important to realize it’s also gone - the pain is no longer here. What’s left of our past actions are simply the memories we carry. While we can not change how others think of us (no matter how hard we try) we can change how we think of ourselves. Forgive yourself let the memories of the past go. Make room for the present. Because it’s in today where the work begins and where there are limitless possibilities of creation.

If you have someone in your life that has hurt you and is putting in the work to make change, try your best to forgive and support them. We all deserve another chance… and change can be hard.

Be thankful.

Be thankful.

My first (and last) Burning Man.

My first (and last) Burning Man.